Quickly answer these questions about your spouse!
- What is their favorite color?
- What is their favorite restaurant?
- Which of their friends will they call when they need to vent?
- If they had an entire day to themself what would they do?
- What clothes did they wear yesterday?
Just how well do you know your spouse? In full transparency, I have known my wife more than half of my life and in August we will mark our 35th anniversary. But if I'm being honest, there are still things that I'm learning about her and she's still learning about me. There are still times when we are not sure the best way to bring up a particular subject. Now we know each other pretty well... I know she loves jazz and neo-soul (especially live, I know that Mexican food is one of her favorites, and I know that the beach and a book is her happy place. But there are still things I'm trying to discover about her. How about you and your spouse?
The Five Love Languages
In 1992 a landmark couples relationship book was published: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Basically it introduce us to five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love. At the time, it was a monumental understanding and explanation that each of us has a unique way of expressing love and feeling valued. The languages consisted of 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Acts of Service, 3) Quality Time, 4) Physical Touch, 5) Gifts. There's actually a questionnaire tool that will help you understand your specific love language as well as your secondary language. One of the interesting aspects of understanding each other's love language is that often a couple is completely opposite in their languages. As an example, my love language is Words of Affirmation and my wife's is Acts of Service. For me Acts of Service is not the way that I'm wired. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't naturally think about it. Likewise, for my wife as an Acts of Service person Words of Affirmation are at the bottom of her priority list. That means that we both have to work and be intentional about making each other feel loved. Do you know your spouse's love language? To me knowing your spouse through their love language is a foundational component of a thriving marriage.
Study Your Spouse
While The Five Love Languages offers a quiz to help you understand your love language, there's one basic way to know your spouse, and that's to "study your spouse." Studying your spouse is pretty simple, but it requires conscious work. Open your eyes and watch what they do and learn from it. Now this sounds pretty simple and basic but it's something that we just don't always do. Pay attention to the little things they do and remember them. What's their morning routine? What's the first thing they do at the end of the day? What do they like to do when no one's around? What style of clothes do they like to wear? The list can be endless, just watch and learn. And here's a crazy idea... what if you kept a cheat sheet on your phone notes (favorite color, color, clothing and show size, etc.). Look at a cheat sheet just like your car senses your key fob and knows how you like your seat set.
Different Is Not Bad
One difficulty in knowing your spouse is that we often equate differences as bad. It's important to know that different is not bad, different is just different. More importantly, in a marriage different makes you stronger. The thing that God does in our marriages is bring two different people together to make one stronger unit. Beyond the differences of our love languages, our differences in our skills, gifts, and graces compliment each other. We dreamers are often matched up with the detail oriented. The pragmatist is connected to the risk taking optimist. The extrovert with the introvert. The combination of these seemingly disparate humans is actually God's perfect union. The next time you are frustrated about your spouse doing something different from the way you would do it, think about how your completely opposite styles can create a better outcome.
Knowledge Is Power
Knowledge of who your spouse is, who you are, and how the combination of the two of you makes your marriage special is one of the key factors in building a healthy, strong, fulfilling union. Oh, and about those opening questions? 1) Orange, 2) Poor Calvin's, 3) Carmen or Pam, 4) A good book and a glass (or two) of wine, 5) Jeans and a white, turquoise, and blue top.